|As you can probably already tell from the
WWSD home page and gorgeous pictures of me everywhere, I am now in
charge of WWSD...er...WWHD. (This is Heather, by the way.
I don't really care about letters from people. The mail sack is usually empty anyway, or else Joe and Dave make up letters that we respond to. It's all pretty damn stupid, if you ask me. I couldn't care less what people want or what they need help with.
So, this time I am going to tell YOU what I want. Consider it the ultimate "Letter From The Editor", and heed my words – I can do the same to you as I did to Sutekh. Don't mess with me.
DO AS I SAY!
An Open Letter To Humanity
Every last one of you is pissing me off in some way or another. But while I am "pissed", I am not really "mad", because I know you are operating from a position of ignorance.
This open letter is going to educate you.
To get psyched up, I read lots of literature meant to incite. Paine, Marx, even a little Hitler – it's all good. Then again, I don't really want this to be some sort of manifesto or call to action. I don't want to be the leader of your pathetic masses, having to wipe your asses and blow your noses. No, I just want you to all do what I say. This is about ME. Do NOT turn it into something it isn't. We'll call that Rule Zero.
Let's dive in.
First off, I'm tired of kids. Y'all are pumping out youth like it's going out of style. Actually, it is out of style. Leave it there. Sometimes I actually talk to Joe, and he was whinging on and on about the stupid girls at his flash-dating thing. I tuned him out for a while, but then he said something profound: "It's like these women know they want a kid – even how many – before they even know what their husband will be like..." Now, I'm a woman, or at least I pass for one on the Internet. What, pray tell, are you thinking, ladies? If you just want sperm, go to a goddamn sperm bank! All the kiddie goodness, with no stinking man to worry about! Whip out the turkey baster, slide it in, and then shove out your 2.4 children and be done with it!
After you're finished polluting the world with your unholy offspring, listen up. Yes, that means put down your infernal cell phones and LISTEN! Speaking of cell phones, what has happened to people lately? I was at lunch the other day and was watching a nice family having dinner... Oh, what, I can't appreciate the finer, gentler things in life? Well, I do. They looked like a very nice family having lunch and enjoying each other's company. Next thing you know, the younger man at the table gets a cell phone call. He answers the thing and proceeds to have a conversation. Now, I know for a fact that just two seconds earlier he was earnestly discussing a home purchase with his father. I know because I am an eavesdropper. That aside, he stopped that conversation to talk with someone else on his damn phone. I figured it must be an important, emergency matter if he would just cut his dad off like that. Nah. I heard him talking about casual issues like, "Hey. What's up? Nothing. No, me neither. How's Bev?" Yeah, riveting stuff. The part that got me was that the father just sat there AS IF IT WAS OK! The whole table stopped talking, and waited for this punk-ass bastardo to finish his meaningless interruption! When he finally hung up, I heard him say, "That was Phil," and the whole table acted as if they had just heard the most interesting reason ever. Oh, it was PHIL!!!!!!!!! Well, I can't believe you didn't talk to him LONGER, then! Mind you, by now my eavesdropping had actually placed me four inches away from their table, so they were soon forgetting all about Phil and staring directly at me.
I got out of there pretty quick, as you might imagine. I ran home and decided I had to get some of my thoughts down in my "blog". That's "web log", in case you've been fortunate enough to not have heard about the inane phenomenon that is "blogging". Also, I am lying about wanting to write in my blog because blogs are stupid...let's get that clear right out front. No one wants to know what you're doing or thinking or feeling. Ok, ok, that's not true. There are people who do care about you and what is going on your life. They're called your friends, and they already know what's going on with you. "Hm, I really think Phil might want to know about what I bought at the grocery store, so I better motherfucking BLOG it!" Never mind that you could call Phil faster, and never mind that he still doesn't care. You better blog that sumbitch and make sure everyone knows what you're up to every second of the day!!!!!! I can understand posting pictures and whatnot...but then again, that's what web sites have always been for. Yeah, that's right, I simply call them "web sites". Now, take your stupid fucking new word and fleeting sentiment of self-importance and go blog about it. I'll go read a book.
Truth be told, I don't really read. Correction: I only read bumper stickers. I was driving to the book store the other day (heh) and saw something immensely retarded on the back of a nondescript Chevette. The rear-end-plastered strip said "Irish American Democrat!"
Oh, come on. I don't even know what that means.
I don't care if you're Irish. And I'm already assuming you're American (Chevette-driver). Finally, why should I give a single holy fuck if you're a Democrat? What POSSIBLE purpose are you hoping to serve by stringing a bunch of useless adjectives together on the hindquarters of your vehicle? TELL ME!!!!!!
I came up with a bumper sticker for myself: "Crazy Gorgeous Masturbating Non-Specific-Geneology Cranky Independent". Hey. At least it means something and tells you a little bit about me. Sure, I could assume the infuriating sticker (Irish American Democrat) means "Drunk Consumerist Whiner", but is that really what tolerance and love and whatevertheycallit is all about? Fuck if I know.
Did I say "consumerist"? Oh dear, now I really have something I need to get off my chest. Christmas has been over with for a while now. I got some decent loot – mainly a lot of gift certificates. Apparently I am hard to buy presents for. My large stack of festively colored gift cards got me thinking the other day. It made me think of how much I despise Christmas and all the people running around spending money on things they don't need. Marketers are coming up with entire new layers of goods that nobody really needs, creating tasks and "necessities" that didn't even exist a decade ago. Bah!
In order to stop the holiday madness, I have devised a plan that we can all be a part of next Christmas. Instead of buying stupid crap for friends and family members, let's all just get EVERYONE gift certificates! Then, the day after Christmas we can all go out shopping for things we really want. Prices after Christmas are cheaper anyway, so folks can make a killing on items 10, 20, 30% off! We can shut this consumer machine down! Of course, it will only work once. The next year, department stores and such will come up with other schemes to separate us from our money. But for one glorious year, we can show these pricks who's boss! Can it work? That is up to you, dear reader. It can only work of we all do it together.
A final aspect of all this consumerism (I'm almost finished, I promise) that really chokes me is people buying stuff they think they have to buy. This latest Holiday season, there was an often-played diamond commercial featuring the classic Queen song Under Pressure. As if Vanilla Ice's sampling of that tune wasn't bad enough, now we have gem peddlers making every guy out there feel the "pressure" of giving a meaningless stone to his significant other. Other diamond commercials had men on one knee, men driving through snow, men pulling rings out of their asses at the dinner table. Nothing says "I love you" like plowing yourself deeper into debt, eh fellas! "Honey, let's get married, and let's start out $4,500 in the hole!" A down-payment on a house? Hell no! A fucking trinket made of carbon that is as common as spit!
What's wrong with everyone? Why do women want these things, and why don't men have any backbone to stop it? Sure, I like diamonds as much as the next girl, but I would much prefer platinum, caviar, Johnny Walker Blue, some Escadas on my feet, and a Donna Karan hanging from my hand. Give me something I can eat, drink, or use for God's sake! If you think that "I love you" can be summed up by a single piece of jewelry, then you should be shot directly in the face. Let's see if anyone will marry you then.
I guess that's all I am really trying to say here: there are a lot of people that need to be shot in the face.
And I'm just the crazy bitch to do it. Watch your back...and your face...and have a wonderful 2006.