|Sutekh flipped his lid
recently. I'll cut to the chase: he absolutely freaked out,
and that is why it has been so long since the last issue.
We haven't completely figured it out yet. Apparently, Sutekh caught wind of a development that even has HIM scared. That's weird. I'm not saying he doesn't ever get scared. He still won't change light bulbs in the basement. Just rocks back and forth saying, "Dark and dusty, freaky, spooky" over and over again. Kind of a pussy that way, I guess.
But there's not much else that can faze this guy. We finally found the burglar the other day, and when he shot at us, Sutekh plucked the bullet from the air and then had a "talk" with the shooter. Sutekh told the guy he had taken the bullet, sent it back through time, and embedded it in the gunman's great-great-great-grandfather's head. When the savvy thief asked why he was still around if Sutekh had killed his ancestor, Sutekh displayed his mastery of time and space by gutting the criminal right then and there. We never did find out the answer to the burglar's paradoxical question. I asked Sutekh about it later, but he just said something about the time vortex and that he preferred a good evisceration anyway.
The point is, we can't figure out what has Sutekh so spooked. Heather finally turned up the news article we are reprinting here, and it has something to do with Sutekh's past. You see, back when Sutekh was imprisoned under an Egyptian pyramid, his physical influence was held in check by an artifact known as the Eye of Horus. This red glass globe had the power to paralyze Sutekh. Since re-gaining his freedom from the Eye (it broke), Sutekh hasn't been paralyzed like that since Lola locked him in the basement with an empty GE 60-watt Soft Light 4-pack.
Heather knows more than she is telling us. She has done nothing but giggle since finding this article, and she talks back to Sutekh a lot more than she ever has before. Worse, Sutekh still hasn't divided her atoms. Weird. If anyone deserves atomic division, it's her, and Sutekh usually loves shit like that.
Anyway, here's the article. We want our readers to be aware of everything we are. If you know information that could help us figure out what is going on, drop us a letter...
Archaeologists Discover Artifact, Lose Artifact
By Frank J. Spectacular
July 4, 2005 – Egypt – A discovery in a little-known auxiliary tomb near the Nile River has left the archeology community humming. The artifact found is even being talked about as being more than just unearthed – it might be unearthly.
Details about the object are still sketchy, and more information concerning it is unlikely. The discovery was made in April of this year, and preliminary analysis had been going on for three months when the artifact was stolen from the laboratory. Broderick Thames is the scientist in charge of the operation.
"Even after three months of looking this thing over, we didn't know much more about it," says Thames. "The only way to explain it is that it...felt powerful. Now with it being taken from us – well, let's just say we might never figure out what the damn thing is."
Apparently, talk of the item's power leaked out of the high-security Cairo institute where work on the object was taking place. Just four days ago, the yet-unclassified artifact was stolen from its vault. The artifact has not been retrieved, and very few of the institute staff have been able to offer leads.
"The last thing I remember seeing before passing out was a woman and her cat," says Jack Harkness, captain of building security. "I remember the woman had really wild hair and laughed a lot. I was watching the cat lick itself when I just sort of...collapsed. When I woke up, the vault had been thrown wide open and the artifact was gone."
The break-in isn't the first problem the dig expedition and subsequent analysis have had. Upon entering the tomb in which the artifact was found, several team members found themselves inexplicably paralyzed near the burial ground's entrance. It wasn't until the artifact was removed from its cradle that the incapacitated crew were able to move again. Rumors state that the artifact was "glowing" until it was finally taken out of the tomb. Since then, the non-descript glass sphere has remained inert.
"No matter what we did, the red globe just sat there," Thames explains. "I almost had the feeling that the artifact was controlling and analyzing us more than vice versa."
Some other staff members are more blunt about the strange red bauble.
"The damn thing was haunted, is what it was," states Emily Desoto, facility janitor. "I could feel power and such oozing from that lab room whenever I was mopping the floor outside. It was unnatural, and it wasn't right. To be honest, I'm glad the thing got taken out of here."
The artifact's untimely exit still has security forces stumped. No record of the woman and her cat have been found on security camera tapes, and other than Harkness's discussion on what he saw, there is little factual evidence the woman or cat even exist.
"I'm taking a lot of crap about letting the artifact be stolen on my watch," Harkness says, "but I really was powerless. I think the woman played some sort of mind trick on me while that damn grey cat had me mesmerized. Also, the janitor knows more than she is letting on."
Desoto is staying tight-lipped about what she knows, but this reporter was able to glean some details about the night of the theft. Apparently, the woman and her cat gave Desoto the same "creepy" feeling given off by the artifact.
"I say let that crazy bitch have the stupid glass!" Desoto shouts. "It was a match made in...well, not Heaven, I'll tell you that much." Desoto's voice drops to a whisper as she divulges a final clue. "The crazy-haired woman called her cat 'Lola', and she kept giggling, saying something about putting 'soo-tek' back in his place... Now I've got toilets to clean."
Desoto would make no further statement, and so far the burglary investigation has turned up no details about a "Lola" or a "Soo-tek." Detectives are pursuing all known avenues of police work, but still have no leads.
"A Google search on Lola brings up something like 3 million hits," says Lt. Jason Spires of Scotland Yard. "And 'soo-tek'? What the Hell is that? Some sort of technical school? A Native American tribe? Dang it, I'll tell you, police work is hard!"
Hard indeed. And with precious few meaningful leads, it can be assumed that the glassy artifact is long gone and might never be recovered. Are the rumors true? Does the object glow and paralyze passers-by? Could it really have been stolen by a crazed woman and her cat? What possible reason could such an unlikely duo have for pilfering an object of unknown origin and power?
Only time will tell.