(Because sometimes only MY opinion matters!  Ha-HA!)

I took this mother over.

A while back, Lola helped me get my hands on an object that could make even Sutekh pee in his robe.  The thingy was called the Eye of Horus, and I got it from an Egyptian dig site.

From there, the plan was quite literally a piece of cake.  Sutekh was celebrating his 5,785th birthday, and was feeling peckish for some German chocolate.  I got him his damn dessert
a huge friggin' slice.   Before serving it to him, though, I shoved the Eye of Horus inside!  Bastard pig that he is, Sutekh ate the whole stupid thing in one chomp (yeah, his helmet opens WIDE)!

You should have seen his eyes glow with horror once he realized what had happened.  He sort of belched and was about to ask me for the Pepto when his arm dropped and didn't move again.  He could still speak, and he threw together quite a string of Osiran obscenities before he calmed down and spoke to me.

"Heather,"  Sutekh said, "what did I just swallow?"

"That's what she said." I said.

"HEATHER!" he shouted.

"You swallowed that glass thingy that paralyzes you," I explained.

"I...um...are you saying..."  Sutekh stuttered, "...I...I...ate an Eye of Horus?"

"You swallowed it, yes, but I wouldn't say 'ate'.  I am pretty sure it won't digest.  I guess it will just sit there." I said.

"Sit there?" Sutekh asked.

"Sit there," I said.  "Just like you are going to do now...forever.  Just sit there."

"No way to get it out of there?" Sutekh asked, quieter now.

"You seem to be fond of cutting and exploding things," I pondered.  "Eviscerate thyself!"

"Then I would be dead," Sutekh said.

"A plan with no drawbacks!"  I clapped my hands and ate some cake.

"I'm sitting here, paralyzed, with the means of that paralysis resting in the only spot in the Universe I can't reach?"  asked Sutekh.  "And you are going to have cake?"

"Yes," I said.  "I'm going to eat it, too."

And that is exactly what I did, ladies and gentleman.  I ate my cake, moved Sutekh (and his chair) to the basement, and got to work on this new issue.  I have a lot of work to do, and with Sutekh handily out of the way, I can get to it.

Welcome to my world.  I insist that you like it.

New This Month:
  • Letter From the Editor:  Hail to the NEW Editor-In-Chief!
  • Special Feature:  Screw Genie.  Talk to Heather!
  • News:  Poetry from the chair.
  • About Face:  New and improved "About" page!